The chapter that was 2008...

The year 2008 will go down in my personal "her"story book as the year that changed my life. I am not who I was on January 1. 50 weeks of life experiences has transformed my soul. Until now, each year was just a passing moment in time. But 2008 needs to be thoroughly dissected before I can move into what God has waiting for me during the 365 days called 2009.

This year was my first official year as a grown up. I didn't have school to fall back on so my career (or lack thereof) took center stage. As the days dragged on, I began to sense this unfamiliar feeling called insecurity creep into my life. Why else would I stay at a job that didn't challenge me and where my paycheck didn't reflect my education? Somewhere along the lines, I lost the confidence that I took for granted and took on a fear of the unknown. The fear that although I was more than properly educated, I wouldn't be able to succeed. I had convinced myself that I was faking it until I made it instead of realizing that I had arrived.

Transitioning from a self-proclaimed slacker to the demands of a job that broadens my horizons has been challenging indeed. Yet, every day I walk into my office, I thank God for the opportunity to bring REAL change to our communities through young minority women who are hungry for so much more. What is more? Well that changes on a daily basis but I know that with my education, experience, and my passion for issues that they face, I can be a powerful tool for the population that I serve. But getting to the point where I own that has been nothing short of the meanest battle with my deeply buried demons.

If that were the only hurdle that 2008 had, I might have won the race with seconds to spare. What I found is that the Lord wasn't finished with me yet. He worked on me in 2008 like he has never worked on me before. He forced me to see myself in a not so perfect light. He showed me the error in my ways through the love of man. What I have come to realize is that love is the strongest emotion we have the pleasure/pain of experiencing. Love will change your life and I am not talking happy go lucky love. I am talking about totally exposed, flaws glaring, heart bleeding love. A feeling that will no longer let you fool yourself into believing that you are always right. An experience that made me believe in something greater than myself. A partnership, while imperfect, that has the world feeling just a little smaller. True love... And that shit ain't easy. We don't get there without hurting and we might never get past the pain but when you have it, you know it. And you will never let it go.

But yet and still, God still wasn't done with me. I had more battles to fight and more lessons to learn before the year would close. Apparently, I needed a helluva lot of work in the power of patience as it pertains to family. He is still working on me with that one. Patience and understanding is one thing but being content with the bad decision making of others is another. Biting my tongue has never been a strong suit so he sent people that I love to tap dance on my last nerve in 2008. Trying to muffle the screams from your soul while listening to ignorance being spewed by someone you used to respect is harmful to your health. I am convinced that 2008 has taken 6 months off my life in this area alone. Being comfortable with mediocrity when you are in the presence of greatness has been a hard fought battle but one that I lost. I have discovered that I will NEVER be okay with drastic underachievement but it is not my duty to continually remind someone of the horrendous choices that they constantly make. Sometimes, silence is truly golden.

You would think this was enough and even Jesus himself would be tired of creating situations for me to overcome but just as the year was coming to a close, he hit me with the hardest challenge of them all. Some how, some way, I have to accept that life is not fair but it is short. That our plan and God's plan are never the same. That sometimes he picks his most beautiful flower. That I will never again see my favorite Callender girl here on Earth. That there is a beautiful seven year old girl who will cry countless tears for her mommy. No one said it was fair but everyone knows that it is short. Well, hello heartache. Just when I thought you had packed your bags, I turned and you were here.

So 2008, can't say that you were easy but I have learned more about who I am through your obstacles and barriers. While I can not wait for the clock to strike 12, I am thankful for your chapter in this book called life. I didn't win the race but I am just glad to have finished it. Battered, exhausted, bruised but ready to start the next and praying for a reprieve.

TRC- Imitation is suicide...