The chapter that was 2008...

The year 2008 will go down in my personal "her"story book as the year that changed my life. I am not who I was on January 1. 50 weeks of life experiences has transformed my soul. Until now, each year was just a passing moment in time. But 2008 needs to be thoroughly dissected before I can move into what God has waiting for me during the 365 days called 2009.

This year was my first official year as a grown up. I didn't have school to fall back on so my career (or lack thereof) took center stage. As the days dragged on, I began to sense this unfamiliar feeling called insecurity creep into my life. Why else would I stay at a job that didn't challenge me and where my paycheck didn't reflect my education? Somewhere along the lines, I lost the confidence that I took for granted and took on a fear of the unknown. The fear that although I was more than properly educated, I wouldn't be able to succeed. I had convinced myself that I was faking it until I made it instead of realizing that I had arrived.

Transitioning from a self-proclaimed slacker to the demands of a job that broadens my horizons has been challenging indeed. Yet, every day I walk into my office, I thank God for the opportunity to bring REAL change to our communities through young minority women who are hungry for so much more. What is more? Well that changes on a daily basis but I know that with my education, experience, and my passion for issues that they face, I can be a powerful tool for the population that I serve. But getting to the point where I own that has been nothing short of the meanest battle with my deeply buried demons.

If that were the only hurdle that 2008 had, I might have won the race with seconds to spare. What I found is that the Lord wasn't finished with me yet. He worked on me in 2008 like he has never worked on me before. He forced me to see myself in a not so perfect light. He showed me the error in my ways through the love of man. What I have come to realize is that love is the strongest emotion we have the pleasure/pain of experiencing. Love will change your life and I am not talking happy go lucky love. I am talking about totally exposed, flaws glaring, heart bleeding love. A feeling that will no longer let you fool yourself into believing that you are always right. An experience that made me believe in something greater than myself. A partnership, while imperfect, that has the world feeling just a little smaller. True love... And that shit ain't easy. We don't get there without hurting and we might never get past the pain but when you have it, you know it. And you will never let it go.

But yet and still, God still wasn't done with me. I had more battles to fight and more lessons to learn before the year would close. Apparently, I needed a helluva lot of work in the power of patience as it pertains to family. He is still working on me with that one. Patience and understanding is one thing but being content with the bad decision making of others is another. Biting my tongue has never been a strong suit so he sent people that I love to tap dance on my last nerve in 2008. Trying to muffle the screams from your soul while listening to ignorance being spewed by someone you used to respect is harmful to your health. I am convinced that 2008 has taken 6 months off my life in this area alone. Being comfortable with mediocrity when you are in the presence of greatness has been a hard fought battle but one that I lost. I have discovered that I will NEVER be okay with drastic underachievement but it is not my duty to continually remind someone of the horrendous choices that they constantly make. Sometimes, silence is truly golden.

You would think this was enough and even Jesus himself would be tired of creating situations for me to overcome but just as the year was coming to a close, he hit me with the hardest challenge of them all. Some how, some way, I have to accept that life is not fair but it is short. That our plan and God's plan are never the same. That sometimes he picks his most beautiful flower. That I will never again see my favorite Callender girl here on Earth. That there is a beautiful seven year old girl who will cry countless tears for her mommy. No one said it was fair but everyone knows that it is short. Well, hello heartache. Just when I thought you had packed your bags, I turned and you were here.

So 2008, can't say that you were easy but I have learned more about who I am through your obstacles and barriers. While I can not wait for the clock to strike 12, I am thankful for your chapter in this book called life. I didn't win the race but I am just glad to have finished it. Battered, exhausted, bruised but ready to start the next and praying for a reprieve.

TRC- Imitation is suicide...

Don't let her death be in vain...

On Dec. 8th, my cousin was murdered and my heart shattered. This has been the most shocking and painful experience of my life and I know that everyone's prayers are helping me through. I also know that while the events surrounding my cousin's death are insane, it is important for me to share them as we are all in this womanhood thing together. A lot of details are included that are really hard to read and handle. So if you can't read this, trust me, I understand.

Believe me when I say that this could happen to any of us. She broke up with him in September after catching him cheating-yet again. They did the break up dance for about a month until she put an end to everything. He left her alone for a while but started to pop up at her job in early November asking for a second chance. By then it was too late, she was talking to her college sweetheart again.

He still had a key to her house (they lived together for 2 years) so he came over while she was at work and stole one of every shoe and her purses. She was pissed but thought that he was trying to annoy her (she was a shoe fanatic). She wasn't afraid of him until the day after Thanksgiving. She was in Brooklyn with her new man's family. He knew that her daughter was at the babysitter so he went to the sitter's house and picked her up. The sitter was unaware that they were broken up and it was normal for him to get her from time to time. He took the daughter back to my cousin's house and called her to tell her to come home and that he had the kid. She raced home and called another one of my cousins to meet her there. When my other cousin got there, no one was home but the door was open and lights were on. He tried to run her off the road that night so that she would talk to him.

She got away and changed her locks the next day. She also called yet another cousin who is a police officer in her city. My cop cousin made a report and personally contacted him to tell him to leave her alone. He left her alone until last Thursday. She dropped her daughter off at school and came home to take a shower. When she got out of the shower and pulled back the curtain, he was standing there. She freaked out. He had broken in while she was driving her kid to school and hid in a closet for thirty minutes before sneaking up on her. They argued and she kicked him out.

The next morning, she decided to skip town and let things cool down. She went to Maryland and planned to return on Sunday. He called and texted her all weekend and she never responded.

On Sunday morning, the ex went to church, "gave his life to Christ" and went to the funeral home. He chose his casket, his flowers, and made all of his arrangements (with the exception of the date) and paid for it. He waited outside of her house for her to return. He drove his friend's car so that she would not recognize him. She was literally a sitting duck.

She came home and he approached the car. Her daughter and her 18 year old nephew were in the house. They talked/argued outside and she came inside. He followed her in and said hello to her nephew and her kid. The nephew says that he didn't appear upset and he left. My cousin went to the bathroom and called my cop cousin to tell him what happened. The cop told her that he would be there as soon as he was done with roll call so she sat in her room talking to her daughter. What she didn't know was that her ex left only for a moment to grab the gun he had in the car.

The ex came back into the house (the door never got locked when he left the first time - a tragic mishap) and asked to speak to her. She told him no and he told the daughter to leave the room. My cousin told her kid to call 911. Her daughter had the nephew call 911 and she stood next to the locked bedroom door (like the nosey 7 year old she is).

The next part is the worst because it comes from the mouth of a kid. She heard EVERYTHING!!!! They got into another argument, she heard her mom scream "wait, we can work it out" and then she heard gunshots. He shot my cousin four times. When the first two shots in her stomach didn't kill her, he shot again but only grazed her thigh. This bastard walked around the bed where she laid in the fetal position, put a gun to the back of her head and pulled the trigger. She didn't have a chance.

Her daughter says that he heard him crying "really bad" then she heard another shot ring out. This one was him putting his gun in his mouth and pulling the trigger. Minutes later, my cousin, the cop, who heard the call over his radio and who the nephew called as well, arrived and kicked the door in. But clearly it was too late. They were gone.

I tell you this not to give out violent details but to give out vital information. She wasn't afraid of him until the VERY end. From all accounts, he was not normally a crazy man. But he clearly had some major issues. It took 15 minutes from the time approached her car to the time the door was kicked in.

Ladies, we have to be careful with these men. We can never assume that we know what they will do. She went to the police, she changed her locks, she did everything they tell you to do. She was only 30 years old. A beautiful woman who gave her everything to her daughter. She could have never predicted that I would be the one to give our family's remarks at her funeral on Saturday.

As disturbing as this situation might be, I have to believe that this happened for a reason and that her story will help somebody. Starting today, I am devoting my time to getting her story out there. If you know any one that could benefit, please share this with them.

Thank you again for all of your thoughts and prayers!

TRC- Imitation is suicide...