Unsolicited Advice: Stop giving him EVERYTHING!

A few months ago, I had a conversation with a small group of young professionals about relationships. I came away from the discussion with several thoughts but the two most prominent were (1) shock at how naïve men can be when it comes to the true motives of women (2) how women put their lives into men that we aren’t going to end up sharing our futures with.

Everything started when one of the gentlemen began to talk about how much his girlfriend (that he kind of hates) does for him and how he wouldn’t be able to find another woman to do these things. Yet, he knows that he isn’t going to be with her for the rest of his life. Being the nosy therapist that I am, I asked a few probing, open-ended questions and found that all of the things that he was so “in awe” over were pretty simple things that nearly any women would do. For instance, resume reviewing. Ummmmm, do you have any clue how many resumes I have proofread for friends? NEXT... Motivating him to get a better job. Yeah, uh, that's in her best interest too… Anything else? Blah, blah, blah. The guy goes on and on about the things that come standard with any chick that has half a brain and a vested interest in a man. The other men in the room were nodding their heads as he spoke like he was preaching the gospel. That's when I realized that I was not only going to laugh in their faces but I was going to have to school these fools. So here it is:

Once you get with a woman after she has graduated college, she has one goal in mind when it comes to relationships: to meet a man of her caliber or make the man that she is currently dating into said character. So ANYTHING that she does to aid him in getting to where SHE wants him is merely an investment into her future. This is why we get so upset at the end of a relationship because we can't turn the prince back into the frog and some other chick is going to end up wearing the crown you worked for.

But this is where the average woman stops, primarily because she doesn't even realize the value of taking it a step further. We as women have got to stop letting these fools leave us with nothing but a broken heart and lyrics for the next sad love song. We have got to work relationships for more that the love but also for where we can get when we work with someone not FOR them. Did you get that? Not FOR but WITH.

For example, I'll stay up until three in the morning reading a case, drafting an opening argument for my man I will and it has NOTHING to do with loving his ass so much or enjoying missing out on my beauty rest. Hell, I was in the GHETTO last weekend on some random investigation. P.S. - NEVER AGAIN. But I digress…

The point is that I don’t do these things because I just love helping my man. Everywhere I go, I have MY business card and I use the opportunity to network for MYSELF. In other words, supporting him has everything to do with learning something new for myself and using each of our careers to further the other's. Besides, the next time I am at an event and someone brings up an arson case, I will have an educated comment to make not just a joke about Left Eye's crazy ass (God rest her INSANE soul).

But that's not where it ends. In fact, that's not even where it begins. You see, women just give themselves so freely to men (not just sexually) without identifying the type of man we are with. Just think: how much energy did you waste on getting that one guy from your past up to your level? Did he ever make it? Once he did, where you the one he ended up with? We have to stop trying to be the exception and start playing by the rules.

If the man you are with is someone who you are just casually dating, stop doing everything in your power to do as much as you can for him. Just stop because you performing these random acts of kindness is not going to make him magically mature to the point where he is ready for long-term committed relationship. This is not to say be a selfish, only out for me, type of girl. After all, that won't get you anywhere either. The trick is to strike the perfect balance between giving him a glance at your potential as a power couple and giving him your all.

Once again, this advice is merely for the single ladies or those not in long-term committed relationships. Even in long-term relationships the MUTUALLY agreed upon destination should be the altar or you should pay attention to the aforementioned suggestions as well.

So let's recap-

1. Stop giving every man EVERYTHING!

2. Play like you are the rule, not the exception.

3. If you are going to go balls out for a man, make sure you are adding to your personal skill set and rolodex.

That’s all for now folks…

TRC- Imitation is suicide.